Updated May 23, 2013 -- 09:50 GMT (16:50 HKT)


I’m sure the chemists that construct these poisonous verses know exactly what we want: tits, pussy, bling, muscles, cars, longer hair, bigger dicks, smaller noses and whiter teeth... Just as Bernays figured that Uncle Freud’s theories could be worth some cash in the right hands, MTV producers know that young men can’t resist mammary glands, their feeding troughs of life, and bulimic lasses are willing to sacrifice their life to look like someone who has been stapled together on a surgical bed.
I got an email. This always excites me. So I opened it. ‘Need a blog done, will you?’ it read. ‘Yes. Err, what?’ was my reply, and apparently, it was the correct way to reply as I am now doing a blog. Blogs are brilliant because they are the thoughts of ranters, philosophers, angry people, bored souls and those who could benefit from a bit of trepanning, all on one handy page available to anyone with a computer device.
Now, I don’t know how this is going to turn out, but not being one who likes to buck the system, it will probably end up with an element of all the above. I want the blog to grow organically, not sure what that means, but it seems like the right thing to say. And I like the word organic. Its one that CEOs of companies always use to describe their latest business model just before everything goes tits up.
I’ve been told I need to do an introduction though, so I’ve copied what I usually put on dating sites: I’m Tom. I’m 26 years old. I own a large real estate portfolio, and a small disappointment. I like long walks in any country, and a glass of red wine by the mantelpiece. Soft furnishings confuse me, but I like to write poems about them anyway, when I’m not losing my mind to dubstep. I have a Golden Lab called Ernst and I read a book.
Right, let’s give this thing a go, as JR Oppenheimer once said.

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